Self-loathing Versus Pride: An Epic in Two Parts (or) The Lonesome Tale of the Crimson-Grub

INTRODUCTION

Part one is a story. Part two is the message. It is important not to confuse the two. Furthermore, I have decided to add an epilogue, and generally went a wee bit crazy (though not too crazy) with appendices. But none of this changes the basic facts. Part one is the story. Part two is the message. Anything less would be uncivilized.

PART I

There once was a little Crimson-Grub, who desired to grow into a man. And from a book that he had read he discovered a narrow path that would lead him toward his goal. The adventures the little Crimson-Grub had were many, and in time the little Crimson-Grub began to brag about how great of a grub he was, having survived such harsh and numerous adventures. When Pride finally heard of the Crimson-Grub's boasts, he quickly offered the little Crimson-Grub a high position, "It is unlike any in all the land", Pride lied to the Crimson-Grub. The little Crimson-Grub accepted the position, and began leaving the narrow path to perform grand adventures for his new master, Pride.

On one such occasion the little Crimson-Grub strayed so far from the narrow path that he could not find his way back. The Crimson-Grub became distraught and cursed himself for leaving the path. "O how foolish a grub I am, for now I shall never grow into a man!" said the little Crimson-Grub. Alone and afraid the little Crimson-Grub wandered, feeling most disgraced.

At length, Pride found his new servant and asked what was keeping him from his boastful return. "I have become lost!" cried the little Crimson-Grub.

"But you boasted you could always find the path again!" retorted Pride.

"It seems I have made a boast too big for myself to live--though I have certainly tried very hard. And now find that I am quite lost."

"Come with me then. We must find someone to blame!"

"No! I want only to go back to the path!"

"I can not now nor ever take you," said Pride, "But it is said that my friend, Self-Loathing, can. I will take you to him."

The Crimson-Grub followed Pride deep into the shadows. "I can go no further," Pride said, "but follow deeper into the shadows and soon you will meet Self-Loathing. Be warned though! I am a far greater companion than he!"

Deeper into the shadows did the little Crimson-Grub travel, but he found nothing. He began to regret having left Pride's side, and he cursed himself violently for being so foolish. Then at last Self-Loathing appeared. "You are a wretched grub!" Self-Loathing said.

"O indeed, I am quite a wretched grub! And foolish and dumb and otherwise glum! O what a useless grub I've become!"

"Even your rhymes are easily outdone," Self-Loathing said with crooked grin, "and I can tell by your looks that you'll be no fun."

And there those two sat lamenting their ways, when finally at last the little Crimson-Grub asked, "How, O how, do I get back to the path from which I came?"

"Get back to the path? You goon of a grub! You're in no condition to go back to your love!"

"Alas it is true! I am doomed upon doomed! O whatever shall I go do?"

"Wait here with me, and sooner or later you'll see, that someone from the path will arrive and help you back to the path alive. I've seen it before. I'll see it again." So said Self-Loathing with his crooked grin.

The little Crimson-Grub waited an awfully long time, but never, not once, ever saw a sign of anyone coming to help him find the way back to the narrow path. At length the little Crimson-Grub left to begin searching for his old master Pride, hoping Pride might help restore his old glory. But Pride couldn't help and sent him back to Self-Loathing. Many such circles did the little Crimson-Grub make, becoming more lonely and despairing of life.

PART II

"Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought," is a verse that has caused me much grief. Think too highly of yourself and it's a sin. So you choose instead to think lowly of yourself, which leads to self-loathing and depression, which is bad. You change your mind then, try something different, and before you know it you begin think more highly of yourself, and that suddenly and quite inadvertently leads to pride, the subsequent fall, and the resulting depression. The hope is some type of balance between everything, where you neither think too highly of yourself nor think too lowly, but everything is just right, which somehow makes life generally swell.

Such was my predicament. I envisioned myself perched on some impossibly thin pedestal of perfection, trying to balance the two great weights of self-loathing on one side and pride on the other. Beneath this tall pedestal upon which I stand is a pit full of the dangerous spikes of depression. And after standing like that for extended periods of time I find I get a wee bit crabby. Tired and annoyed, it doesn't take long before I fall, landing on something far less than comfortable. I do my best to climb back up, and will eventually make it, only to repeat the vicious cycle again and again.

It finally got to be too much, and I finally did what one should do long before reaching the point that I reached--I turned to God for answers. And did I find some great formula for balance? Some great new exercise to strengthen and train my balancing muscles? Some cute phrase to repeat in my head while I sweated out another session on the old pedestal?

Well, actually, no. I found none of that. Instead I found something that really rather surprised me. I found I had been deceived, and in an impressively clever way. There were three scriptures that led me to this conclusion. The first, Proverbs 28:26, says, "He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe". Time after time as I climbed and re-climbed my little pedestal, just who exactly was I trusting? In all honesty, I trusted myself. My logic. My ability to reason out a solution to all the problems I'm presented with. But reason wasn't cutting it this time. I needed something more. I needed a transformation, a "renewing of my mind." I kept reading.

Attempting to walk in wisdom, I turned to see what Jesus would say. In Matthew 7:1-2, he says, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Now I had always presumed that this meant not to judge others. But what if--however inadvertently--by merely judging others we end up judging ourselves? Conversely, what if by merely judging ourselves we end up judging others? Often I find when I complain or disagree with someone, I am then forced to push myself unreasonably hard to avoid making what I just labeled a mistake. Likewise, often I find when I push myself hard, I then become disgruntled with those around me if they do not also push themselves towards my arbitrarily high standards. It seems Jesus is saying I'd be better off if I just stopped judging.

The third scripture is in 1 Corinthians 4:3-5, where Paul says, "...indeed; I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing...[the Lord] will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and expose the motives of men's hearts." Thus Paul sets an example for us and didn't judge himself. Just as Jesus said he shouldn't. It is, it seems, not our job. Rather, Paul states it will be God who judges us, it will be God who brings to light what needs to be uncovered, and we need not worry about it. Our job is to keep a clear conscience--to deal with what he reveals to us.

So there I was, standing on my obnoxiously thin pedestal, trying so very hard to balance and make sense of everything, and I suddenly realized my whole paradigm is really nothing more than a mental contraption--a clever deception--to blind me from the reality of what I was really doing.

And what was I really doing? I had in fact thought more highly of myself than I ought, and thus actually taken the role of God in my life, judging everything I was doing. Under the guise of running away from pride, I had in fact embraced it and attempted to replace God's judgment with my own. And could I even live up to my own defined standards? No! So of course depression ensued. Of course I had to deny any praise I received from others. I was the judge, I had made the judgment that I was a worm, and therefore, logically everyone else was blind not to agree with me. The crushing weight of my own pride had blinded me senseless.

This came as quite a shock to suddenly realize that all my self-loathing, which I considered the farthest thing from pride, actually stems directly from it. But I find this thought highly relieving--the judgment seat is not where I'm supposed to be. Thus when I step down, and let God sit on his rightful chair, and then wait for what he has to say, I find that instead of the condemnation which I so quickly and readily dished out, I found mercy and grace. That was something I could never give myself. And mercy and grace, I have to say, are both refreshingly pleasant, and moreover genuinely hard to get depressed about.

In summery, I now envision myself in a new paradigm. God is the Judge. So let him sit on his seat and judge. It's prideful to think I could somehow judge better than God, against either others or myself. Meanwhile, I'm going to rest on a hammock hung under the two trees mercy and grace, drinking the awesome ice tea of love. Life is, quite seemingly, good.

With all that said though, it is still hard to break old habits. Furthermore, we have an enemy that is trying desperately to convince us to hop out of our hammocks, replace God, and once again start dishing out judgments on everything. John Eldredge, in his book Waking the Dead talks about such spiritual warfare. He mentions how when we do something silly, or mess up somehow, that sudden sense that "we're stupid", "worthless", "useless", "ugly", "unwanted", and so on, is just Satan. Moreover, what Satan is looking for us to do is to agree with him. When we get that sense "nice job, dunce", and we think, "yeah, I really am a dunce"--Satan has just gotten what he wanted. He just got us to agree with him. Next sense we get is "You're just a dunce. You can't do that!" then we think, "Yeah, I really can't do that!" Another agreement. Another judgment we've unlawfully placed upon ourselves. For it is not up to us to say what we can and cannot do. Jesus said in Matthew 19:26 that "with God all things are possible," thus it is up to God--the judge--to tell us what is possible. Not us.

When we start making little agreements, when we start unwittingly climbing back into the seat of judgment, then we're back to "with man this is impossible." And that was exactly where I was. Judging myself, saying so many things were impossible. Things that I knew weren't, things that I knew God had called me to do. And that is exactly where Satan wants us. Defeated.

Now there are also times when the Holy Spirit brings our attention to our failings. But such times are very specific, such as "you just lied" or "that was gossip." Which is considerably different than the general comment "you miserable lying bundle of garish untruth." Dealing with such promptings is our responsibility to maintain a clear conscience. But after dealing with it, the Holy Spirit won't bring it back to mind--Satan, however, will.

Proverbs 19:11 says "it is to [a man's] glory to overlook an offense." Why should we hold an offense against ourselves? It is to our glory to let go of our mistakes. So next time you find yourself muttering under your breath "I'm such a stupid idiot", recognize the thought for what it is, and know it is to your glory to overlook it. But, as the great 17th century Samurai Miyamoto Musashi once said in his training manual for young warriors, "you must practice constantly." For the record, after sixty plus duels-to-the-death, Musashi never lost a fight. Practice, though hard work, pays off. And this is indeed an area that, at least for me, requires much practice.

To conclude, in John 13:17 our perfect Savior has this encouragement for us, "Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them."

EPILOGUE

And so the little Crimson-Grub, lost, alone and really quite depressed, called out for help to the one who wrote the book he had once read. Then quickly rode Wisdom upon his horse Knowledge, "come, I will teach you the ways of the wise! Come, I will help you open your eyes!"

Wisdom pulled the Crimson-Grub up upon his horse Knowledge, and they rode off into the woods. There they met Self-Loathing, and Wisdom shouted, "Reveal yourself, you vile and lying beast!"

So shocked was Self-Loathing that he fell backwards, and his clever disguise dismantled upon the ground. And the Crimson-Grub looked and beheld not Self-Loathing, but Pride, for the two were one. "I have been deceived!" cried the Crimson-Grub.

"Indeed! And more!" Said Wisdom. And such wise things did Wisdom then say, the Crimson-Grub followed him every step of the way. Soon he was led right back to the path, and to Wisdom he stopped and finally asked, "but what shall I do with all my mistakes? Some of them small but most of them great?"

Wisdom replied and his horse Knowledge neighed, "The Lord is your Master, The Lord is your judge. Let him deal with you and you'll find him quite fair! Yet far fuller of mercy and grace than anyone else ever should dare! Be careful, little grub, as you journey towards manhood, Pride and some others shall try to convince you again, to once more become the judge of your head!"

APPENDIX of the FIRST DEGREE

Here are some fun verses worth exploring, verses that certainly shaped my thinking, but didn't quite make it elsewhere into the text. Not wanting to leave them out, I give instead an appendix.

APPENDIX of the SECOND DEGREE

Why the name Crimson-Grub? Basically it comes from the Hebrew word for "worm" found in Psalm 22:6. The insect, the Crimson-Grub, or Scarlet-Worm, was some type of maggot like critter used to make a red dye. Some theologians make a big deal out of this. I just thought it sounded cool and wrote a story.

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