Of Socks & Circumstance (or) Why Love must be more than Just a Choice
Love is more than just a feeling. Love is more than just an emotion. This I hear all the time. Usually what I'm told is that love is a choice, a conscious decision we must make everyday.
Well, every morning I get up and choose a pair of socks to wear for the rest of the day. The choice is, like all choices, based on circumstances. If it's cold, I wear fuzzy wool socks. If it's hot, I wear lightweight cotton socks, or more often, no socks at all. With dress shoes I wear black socks. With my sneakers I wear white socks. If I were to ever go on a date I would wear colorful printed socks with toes because I'm told that women really like those. The point is, as much as I may like fuzzy wool socks or going barefoot, the decision is based almost solely on circumstance, which is, in the end, an entirely un-romantic concept.
If love is considered a choice, while certainly a very big choice with life-changing consequences, it is then quite ultimately on the same level as any choiceÑincluding a guy like me choosing to wear mismatched socks one day in order to get attention from the opposite sex. The romantic idealist in me cannot accept this. Love, true love, must be more than just some choice.
Consider this: if I think it will be cold one day and thus choose to wear fuzzy warm wool socks, and then it turns out instead to be a scorching hot day won't I in fact be miserable? This scenario would leave me with two logical options; I could either act all stoic and press on with very hot and sweaty feet, or I could merely remove my socks, letting my feet breath the fresh air once more. No big deal, the consequences of either option are minimal. The choice, in a sense, is really not going to affect my life very much. However, what if you love and marry someone, and then the circumstances change and you find you have become miserable, what options do you have then? Both living in a loveless marriage and divorce are difficult and painful, and hastily attempting to change circumstances can just as easily make things worse.
What is love then, if it is more than just a feeling, more than just an emotion, and more than just a choice? In the Bible, 1 John 4:8 says, "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." So what is love? God is love. And while that sounds wonderful, lofty and great, I guess I'd like an example. Thankfully, the Bible doesn't disappoint. Romans 5:8 says "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." And 1 John 4:10 says "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."
God's love, or true love, is thus sacrificial. But lets be real, sacrifice is no easy task. Jesus certainly did not desire to go the cross, as He prayed in Mark 14:36 "Abba, FatherÉeverything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." And in Luke 22:44 we read Jesus was in such anguish over his task that he sweated blood. What allowed Christ to make such a sacrifice? What enabled him to obey God his Father?
In Hebrews 12:2 it says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God." I'll repeat, Jesus did not desire to go to the cross, but he did desire the joy set before him. That joy before him was the love of the Father, which caused him to obey the Father, even at the cross, for John 15:10 says "If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love." There was also joy in knowing that the labor of the cross would bring about the redemption of mankind. 2 Samuel 14:14 reads, "Like water spilled on the ground, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him." There is also then the well-known John 3:16, showing that God's ultimate plan is eternal life for all who believe.
Jesus loved the Father, and to demonstrate this love for the Father as well as God's love for us, he sacrificed himself upon the cross, and he was able to do this because of his belief that the joy set before him was real. He believed that he would return to the right hand of God, he believed he would bring everlasting life to all who believed.
"This is love for God," says 1 John 5:3-5, "to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." Or in other words, to love God is to obey God's commandments. Jesus said in Matthew 22:37 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself." To obey God's commands to love God with all our being and love our neighbors as well is possible and not burdensome because, if we are born of God, we have overcome the world, and we have overcome the world because of our belief in Jesus Christ.
Therefore I submit this claim: That love is more than a feeling, more than just an emotion, more than just a choice. Love, true love, stems not from circumstance, not from beauty, not from experience, not from pleasure, not from passion, not from some conscious decision nor an act from an iron will. True love stems, quite ultimately, from belief in the fulfillment of the joy set before us. True love and faith are thus interconnected. In love we can sacrifice our wants and needs and desires because of this belief, because of the faith we have in God, and the faith we have in one another.
Now, a while back I met a girl that was pretty neat, even downright keen. Both my parents and I rather liked her. So I sat down and hand crafted a gift for her. It was a useful gift, something she needed, yet by no means un-extravagant. It took me about six weeks to hand carve the whole thing. When I gave it to her, I asked if I could get to know her a little better. While she seemed to genuinely like the gift, she likewise was genuinely not interested in me. This I found rather disappointing. I had built up such hopes; I had set before myself such joy. Which was my mistake. We cannot set joy before ourselves in regards to other people, or in regards to God. Even Jesus had "joy set before him". The problem is that when we set joy before ourselves, after we make our sacrifice or craft our gift the result is more often than not disappointing as people (or God) do not respond the way we imagined they should. And so we get angry and we get bitter and we feel our sacrifice was a complete waste of time and effort and we promise ourselves that never again shall we love like that once more.
But in respect to this girl, I never felt any of that. I never got angry. My parents were a little angry, but I never was. Sure, I was disappointed, even hurt, but I never got angry, and this is my theory why: Matthew 6:21 says, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I had spent considerable time crafting the gift I gave her. I had, if I may be so bold, built a treasure. And when I gave it to her my heart followed with it. I found joy knowing that she was so touched by the gift. I found joy knowing my project was not wasted, but rather that my project, in and of itself, was a success. Now what if she had hated the gift and found it useless? Well, that would have stung.
If sacrificial love grows from a belief in a joy that is set before us by God or by others, then what is this joy? That joy is in what we treasure. As in Matthew 13:44 when it says, "The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." Treasure brings us joy. Whether that treasure is salvation or a in a handcrafted gift, it has the potential to offer joy, and it is our belief in such potential that allows us to sacrificially love both God and one another.
But what about those moments when there is no joy? When the treasure has been corrupted, eaten by moths or rusted away? What about those times when hope is lost and belief has faded and love seems so very far away? When we cry out as in Job 3:3 "May the day of my birth perish, and the night it was said, ÔA boy is born!'" or in Job 3:23 "Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden," or in Job 3:26, which seems to sum up so much, "I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil." In Job 6:8-9, Job prays for death.
God did not answer that prayer though. Nor did he ever answer my prayer, which was a similar lament. Instead I, like Job, lived on. Now granted, the severe depression I fought was neither nearly so great nor so justified as Job's, but at the time that didn't really matter much to me. All I wanted was an out, an escape. I just wanted it to stop. Now arguably there were many things that helped me through it all, but let me draw attention to two in particular.
First, in the physical world when one is hurt to the point that they are incapacitated lying on the floor bleeding, they are pretty much going to stay there until someone calls the paramedics to come and help. Now, we can sit and pray for such a person all we want, but statistically speaking, the way God seems to choose to heal such things is through people. Likewise, when we are incapacitated and blinded by a complete lack of joy, we are in a sense stuck there until God sends someone to help. In Job's case God came down himself and basically said, "Hey, relax. I'm God, I'm still here." For me it was a Christian Professor of mine that befriended me and become a source of stability and guidance in my life. While I'm not so convinced that we can just go find such people on a whim, I am convinced that once God brings such people into our lives it is up to us to decide how much of our life to open up for change.
Secondly, joy is something that is actively grown. Paul talks about his joy in 1 Thessalonians 2:19-20 "For what is our hope, our joy, or the crown in which we will glory in the presence of our Lord Jesus when he comes? Is it not you? Indeed, you are our glory and joy." Paul was a missionary. The results of his work were his joy. In 1 Thessalonians 2:9 Paul says, "Surely you remember, brothers, our toil and hardship; we worked night and dayÉwhile we preached the gospel of God to you." As he toiled his joy grew. Or in other words, as he invested his time and his effort into what he treasured, he found what he treasured brought him joy.
Now for me, the concept of missions work or witnessing or any of that was to much, I couldn't have even entertained the thought. So I started my work on a much smaller scale, I taught myself how to cook. I got fairly good at it. Thus, as depressed as I might be one night, I still felt a certain joy when I could sit down and eat the delicious fruits of my labor. From those simple beginnings I found my joy began to grow. In Ecclesiastes 2:24 it says "A man can do nothing betterÉthan to find satisfaction in his work." I found satisfaction in my cooking like Paul found satisfaction in his preaching. And as that satisfaction, or joy, grew, I found I could extend it out to other things. I began to slowly rebuild a love for life. After Job's ordeal, he was blessed greatly by God with many children and possessions. But such blessings would have taken time to accumulate. Meaning, it took Job time to rebuild his life, too.
1 John 4:19 reads, "We love because he first loved us." Our love is therefore reactionary. Our love needs a starting point. Our love needs a catalyst. Belief in the fulfillment of joy serves as that catalyst. Joy grows as a fruit of our investment in treasure. The more precious the treasure, the greater the joy. For instance, I get a certain joy when I cook, but it is nothing compared to the joy I see in my grandmother's eyes when she talks about the salvation of her grandchildren.
Love, belief, joy, treasure, these are all of these things that are grown. And there are times, such as the time in Job's life, or the time in my own life, where they must be grown from scratch.
So hear I am, wearing wool socks on a warm day. What are my options? Circumstance informs me of the logical choices. But what if we transcend circumstance and take into account these things that are grown? Well then I keep wearing them. Because I knit these socks myself. I take joy in wearing them and I want to show the world how much I love them. And sweaty feet I consider such a small price to pay for this expression of love.
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